Dear Aidan Families,

Spring is the time of year when we pack away the winter clothes, enjoy the longer sunny days and play outside! It's also a time when your children may have more play dates and develop stronger friendships. According to John Gottman in his wonderful book, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child:

Nowhere are children more likely to develop skills at regulating their emotions than in the their relationships with their peers. It's here that they learn how to communicate clearly, to exchange information, and to clarify their messages if they are not understood. They learn how to take turns in talking and playing. They learn to share. They learn how to find a common ground in their play activities, to have conflicts, and to resolve them. They learn to be understanding of another person's feelings, wishes, and desires.

But what happens when there is conflict in their friendship?

As a parent, it is a common feeling and reaction to want to solve and save: solve the problem for your child and save them from dealing with unpleasant feelings. However, if you solve a child's problems prematurely, you rob them of the opportunity to come up with novel solutions and it models to them that you will rescue them from their problems.

Why is it so common for children to have difficulties in their interpersonal relationships? It is hard for children to see things from another's viewpoint and to manage more than one relationship at a time in their developmental stage. This is why playing in pairs is more effective than playing in groups of three.

So what can parents do to help their child deal with inevitable difficulties with friendships, social situations, and interpersonal relationships?

1. Reflection. Be an active listener to your child and reflect back what you heard them say.
2. Affirmation. Validate their feelings. Pay attention to body language, facial expressions, and gestures.
3. Clarification. Discuss the needs of all parties (and do not rush to solve!)
4. Proposition. Brainstorm solutions, make a plan, and implement a time to check back in about the conflict. Also, acknowledge to your child that sometimes finding a solution is not that simple or cut and dry.

Conflict in friendships is never fun and not easy. Unfortunately, difficulty in friendships and interpersonal relationships spans across our whole lives. The more practice your child has in managing these difficulties now, the more equipped they will be to deal with and regulate unpleasant feelings and a willingness to create resolution as they continue to mature and grow up. Knowing how to be a good friend is a lifelong skill and wonderful trait to share.

I welcome you to contact me at anytime if you find you need more guidance or support about this topic.

Warmly,

Jessica Kwerel, MS, NCC, LGPC
j.kwerel@aidanschool.org (202) 387-2700 x22

You can learn more about this subject on episode 10 of our Podcast, Family Harmony, at this link.